What if We Didn't Blow The Horn?
The private equity team behind the acquisition of the East River Ferry has fresh new ideas
This is a satirical article. I am imagining that the private equity firm that acquired Hornblower, the company that runs the ferry here in New York, is the same organization that acquired Brooklyn Shadows Coven, P.C.— a vampire organization. Despite the unforgiving terms of that deal, they used their debt-leveraged buyout expertise to add value to Hornblower.
Gosh, it's great to meet the team. I understand you all work on a boat. The Hornblower? Well, at LastChoice BCP, we understand markets. Business ideas? Very fresh. We have fresh ideas. That's our brand— freshness. And, of course, fresh ideas. I want to make sure we address any questions the team at Hornblower has about the change in ownership of your boat company is going to mean?
(Hand raised…)
Yes, in the back, boat person?
Q?
That's the first part of our value-add approach. We're not going to blow the horn anymore. Horn blowing has a poor product-market fit. These will be dead silent. They will traverse the waters of the East River in utter silence, and that's one of the ways we're going to manage to reduce the burden of passengers on the system. They're just never going to hear the ferry coming.
Q?
Great Question. Although none of us have ever worked in boating before, many of us live on the water. We have spent countless summers in Montauk, and a number of us own yachts, although in theory those are leased out for tax benefits. That's what we mean by fresh ideas —no actual prior experience that would bias us toward the poor business decisions of yesteryear.
Q.
The fees for getting on the ferry remain the same, by law. We can't change that. Our contract with the city allows for an alternate revenue stream, however. Next question.
Q.
Everybody who boards “Silent Crossing”—our new brand by the way!—will require Covid-19 testing. That is a billable medical service. So the ticket will remain $2.75. The copay will be $20, however. And then we bill insurance on top of it.
Q….
Great question. Covid-19 is not the only pathogen we are screening for. Thanks to our partnership with the Vampires of the Brooklyn Shadows Coven, we will also be addressing the risk of blood-borne pathogens, and every passenger of Silent Crossing will require venipuncture, allowing for the blood draw that is also submittable to Insurance.
It's worth noting that we will be collecting the coinsurance on that comprehensive screening for blood-borne pathogens at the time of boarding, and offering debt financing if passengers cannot pay at the time of the blood draw.
Q.
That's correct. Instead of being falsely accused of being blood-sucking vampires, we are “teaming up” with literal vampires to staff a comprehensive healthcare program that, quite literally, sucks the blood out of the passengers of Silent Crossing. We can ensure that no one on board is suffering from undiagnosed blood-borne pathogens. At LastChoice BloodCare Partners, sucking the blood out of customers is not something we will be accused of falsely. Instead, it's our business plan. We are so excited to be partnering with Hornblower to bring this dystopian nightmare to all of your—sorry, our—passengers.
Q.
We like to call them our Dark Passengers. It’s a little “corporate humor.”
Q.
No, we didn't go bankrupt in the Brooklyn Shadows Coven, P.C. venture. The Management Service Organization is currently addressing the debt servicing obligations of the vampires.
Q.
By “addressing” we mean litigating. Next Question.
Q.
Actively Litigating, Next Question.
Q.
LastChoice BPC has the Hornblower Employee Pension Plan as one of our limited partners, so we are buying out Hornblower with your retirement money. And debt. Massive Debt. You are all, in terms the the employment, contract, being circulated right now, personally guaranteeing the loans we are taking out against Hornblower, Inc. and its associated liabilities.
Q.
Yes. We couldn’t be more thrilled to announce that, given the depressing nature of our fresh business model and associated IV access, we will also be offering Ketamine Infusions on every voyage, to those who have been thoroughly screened for COVID-19 and Blood-borne pathogens, of course.
Thank you all for coming! I’ve got my personal Yacht to jump on now!