Vampires: A Private Equity Cautionary Tale
A work of complete fiction for Halloween, and any similarities to real living PE firms is eerie, but completely accidental and unintended.
Did you hear about the private equity “roll up” of vampires?
Prologue:
I work with a variety of patients, and one of the “people” who came to see me—and insisted on a late night appointment—well, it turns out he’s a vampire. He works in the family business, which, of course, involves pumping blood out of humans and drinking it. Everything we saw in Blade, Blade II, the incomparable Blade III, and even Underworld and whatever the Underworld sequels are—those are basically the show Silicon Valley but for vampires. It’s theoretically fiction.1 Here is the true story2 of what happened3 when a private equity fund got involved in the literal4 business of sucking the life blood out of us humans.5
Mandatory Legal Disclaimer
What follows is a work of fiction and the identity of my vampire patient has been changed to protect his privacy, despite HIPAA not really considering fictional blood sucking vampires to be a covered entity (unless we count Optum).6
