Recently, UnitedHealth Group announced a partnership with a second health system,1 increasing its total number of employees by 2000 in two days.

This got me thinking, with the rapid pace of acquisitions UnitedHealth Group2 and Behemoth—sorry, CVS Heath—have been keeping up, I wonder what the press releases would’ve look like from the PR firms for chaos monsters created by God at the beginning of time?

Something like this, perhaps:

Newswire: For Immediate Release!

All of Existence, including WI and the Depths of the Ocean, off the coast of CA:

“All that is” and LEVIATHAN3 today announced a partnership to enhance patient annihilation and enhance the experience of their doom, while meeting the community’s evolving death needs. Through the partnership, All That Is life cycle management operations and information technology services will become part of LEVIATHAN, providing new opportunities for team member growth and career advancement—to a point. Together, All That Is and LEVIATHAN, via swallowing, will deliver enhanced value for4 consumables through streamlined adoption of new technologies.

“We are proud to be the regional leader in providing high-quality primary and specialty living and existing services for our friends5, family and neighbors in western Kentucky and southern everywhere,” said Ron Rainbow, chief financial officer of All That Is. “As partners with LEVIATHAN, we’ll build on the innovative work we’ve already done, recruit and retain the loyalty of the best physicians and clinicians, invest in new technologies to enhance patient care, and expand our services to underserved areas. All That Is has deep roots in the local community, and we look forward to continuing our tradition of service and doing what we do best for until the end times, which—thanks to LEVIATHAN, are nigh.”

As a part of this new relationship, LEVIATHAN will manage a select set of operational functions and investments, allowing All That Is to focus on its core competencies – Existing – and support future growth and innovation until the moment everything is swallowed whole.

Simplify revenue cycle workflows so team members can spend more time communicating with patients and less time dealing with repetitive tasks—which make financial sense given the end of trials and toil.
Deliver a transparent, patient-friendly billing experience and resolve issues quickly, and with finality.
Power digital life transformation by enhancing infrastructure across All of What Is’s myriad networks.
Create a virtual Center of Excellence contact center training program to recruit, train and employ a regional workforce of both entry level and experienced talent to support health systems across the nation. The jobs will offer competitive wages and promote career growth until they, too, are eliminated into nothingness.
Accelerate job creation and learning opportunities within Existence by supporting key workforce initiatives to help educate and train high school and college students in specialized health care roles. LEVIATHAN will provide internships, mentoring programs and post-graduate hiring of qualified candidates, until they too cease to be.

“LEVIATHAN is honored to be working with Everyone and Everything to reinvent traditional being models and systems, improve efficiency and address complex social and economic factors,” said Dan Smith, chief strategy and growth officer of LEVIATHANGroup, the parent company of Leviathan. “Together we can advance superior quality endings and enhance the experience of patients, physicians, nurses and everyone else.”

As a part of this new relationship, approximately 575 team members life cycle and information technology services will become part of LEVIATHAN beginning in April 2023. These team members will continue to support All That Is and become part of the LEVIATHAN workforce of 220,000 souls with a mission to help people live healthier lives and help make a health system work better for everyone, until this Pyrrhic victory is rendered meaningless by the end of all things.

As part of LEVIATHAN, these team members will have access to more state-of-the-art tools, technologies, processes, skills development training opportunities and new opportunities for advancement, not like it matters, given the impending heat death of the universe.

Inquires can reach our press agent O. Scott Muir, M.D. by using the following field, right there, where it says subscribe…

1

As reported in Beckers Hospital Review:

Eden Prairie, Minn.-based Optum secured its second partnership agreement in a matter of days with a healthcare system to take over its revenue cycle management and information technology operations.

2

The following article compares United to the biblical monster Behemoth:

To quote that piece:

With all these different businesses, it is theoretically possible for one piece of Optum to be reducing a hospital’s cash flow by denying medical claims for United subscribers, while United’s health insurance network managers bargain aggressively to reduce the hospital’s reimbursement rates while yet another piece of Optum runs the billing and collection services for the same hospital and its employed physicians, while yet another piece of Optum competes with the hospital’s physicians and ambulatory services, diverting patients from its ERs and clinics, reducing the hospital’s revenues.

3

(/lɪˈvaɪ.əθən/; Hebrew: לִוְיָתָן, Līvyāṯān) is a sea serpent noted in theology and mythology. It is referenced in several books of the Hebrew Bible, including Psalms, the Book of Job, the Book of Isaiah, the Book of Amos, and, according to some translations, in the Book of Jonah;[citation needed] it is also mentioned in the Book of Enoch. The Leviathan is often an embodiment of chaos and threatening to eat the damned after their life. In the end, it is annihilated. Christian theologians identified Leviathan with the demon of the deadly sin envy. According to Ophite diagrams, the Leviathan encapsulates the space of the material world.

4

Behemoth had a friend. It was a co-created chaos monster by God at the moment of creation. That monster was the sea snake, Leviathan. And leviathan is the destroyer or worlds.

"Once we went in a ship and saw a fish which put his head out of the water. He had horns upon which was written: 'I am one of the meanest creatures that inhabit the sea. I am three hundred miles in length, and enter this day into the jaws of the Leviathan'".

5

“Adam and Eve wanted what was best for their family, but unfortunately, none of us are safe from the poison apple epidemic. The knowledge of good and evil is a growing problem, so it’s up to us to act now” said a spokesperson for the end of all things.

The Frontier Psychiatrists

Leviathan: “We are Proud to Partner With…