Jan 29Liked by Owen Scott Muir, M.D

I have had treatment-resistant depression since 2011, with episodes pretty much every year. Each year, my ‘depression era’ got worse and lasted longer.

It didn’t really matter if I was on SSRI’s or not, was in New York or on a tropical island, was happy with my home life or not, was exercising or not, was making art or not, etc. etc.

In 2022, I got a psychiatry appointment with David Carreon at Acacia, and he prescribed TMS, to be administered at Fermata’s office in Brooklyn. Dr. Owen Muir even administered treatments himself, on a few days when his TMS technician was unavailable. Dr. Carreon and Dr. Muir are true physicians. They are deeply-caring and compassionate people. They genuinely want people to get better, as quickly as possible — not for riches or prestige, but because they actually want to help alleviate as much suffering as possible. It is really hard to be a human, and they know that.

Halfway through my course of TMS, I stopped thinking that it would be better if I didn’t exist. A week after the end of the treatment, I had more energy. A month after treatment, I felt happy and creative and full of a life I wanted to live. Dr. Carreon said that I was in a cohort of late responders, for whom it can take about a month to go into full remission. I’ve now been in remission for 6 1/2 months.

Before TMS it took a Herculean effort to leave the apartment, and most days I didn’t manage it. After TMS I had the strength to move myself cross-country for the winter, re-enroll in acting classes, and host events.

I made an audio diary of my treatment, with one entry recorded the day before, one entry recorded on each full treatment day, one a week later, and one a month later. I can actually *hear* myself get better in the recordings.

I do not say this lightly: TMS saved my life. I did not know what else to do. I did not really believe anything would work, but I was willing to try, and Dr. Muir made that possible. I am profoundly, enormously grateful.

It felt — and still feels — like an absolute fucking miracle to me.

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