An Open Letter to UnitedHealth Group after Declining My Employment Application

As Inspired by Rage Against the Machine Live @ Madison Square Garden.

It will come as a surprise—to absolutely no one—that this column’s narrator, the eponymously named “O. Scott Muir,” has a real penchant for gonzo journalism. If “considering the lobster”¹ was a profession, I would’ve probably been licensed by now.

A sculpture of the gates of hell in Dante’s “The Inferno”, a visual pun that will become clear in time.

Somehow, I got a medical license² instead, so I’m stuck poking around the healthcare establishment for unorthodox perspectives³ and sassy think-pieces.⁴⁵

In prior writing, I spent a significant amount of effort on getting just the right degree of snark infused. Generally, this snark pertains to “less than ethical” practices by Big Healthcare. But today, I can say—in all honesty—one of the giants made an unimpeachable decision. At some undisclosed point in the past, the following email hit my inbox (this is a WIN, though, as we will see, perhaps not in the way it first appears):