Twas the Night Before Christmas… and Santa’s Got a Real HR Nightmare on his Hands!
Fresh off of Cerebral, our crisis management experts go to work.
What follows is a transcript of a conversation between Saint Nicholas himself and the crisis professionals deployed by our team at The Frontier Psychiatrists. Merry Christmas to those who celebrate, which is not to create a hostile work environment, or an exclusionary religious tone for this or any other workplace:
FP: Hi, can I call you Mr. Nicolas ?
SN: You know I’m a saint, right?
FP: OK, I didn’t know if you wanted it to be less formal.
SN: it’s Saint Nicholas. Saint Nick is fine as a nickname if you prefer.
FP: Thank you, Mr. Saint Nick
SN: Look, I really appreciate you coming all the way up here, you know what our extremely important Christmas season is like, and we’re having some issues, so I don’t wanna act like I don’t appreciate your help
FP: Thank you Mr. Saint Nick. This sort of employee relations crisis management process is really our forte. I understand you have 1300 to 1400 elvish staff members?
SN: It’s 1400 elves. There are also 12 reindeer.
FP: and so we can get a more complete picture, can you please tell us who else is on the management team?
SN: Well, Mrs. Clause, she does a lot of work on a day-to-day basis with the elves.
FP: That’s good to know. What is Mrs. C’s official role with the company?
SN: She’s my wife.
FP: I’m sorry, but her official role?
SN: Oh. She needs a job …title?
FP: There needs to be a clear differentiation of roles, following up all appropriate policies and procedures, it’s really standard.
SN: She’s been my wife for many years.
FP: And that’s part of the problem. The optics aren’t good. We’re worried about the appearance of nepotism.
SN: Have there been complaints?
FP: There have been some complaints. All of this can be handled with an appropriate employee manual.
SN: Employee manual?
FP: That’s right. Policies, procedures, expectations. With 1400 employees, you’re going to need to have clear expectations. You’re gonna need to have them in writing. That writing will have to be in each of their employment letters, and those employment letters will have to reference the employee manual.
SN: They’re elves. You know that right?
FP: I understand that you have a number of cultural concerns for your employees, particularly given their elvish heritage.
SN: There isn’t really room for error here. We have to get out a globes worth of toys in one night.
FP: That does sound challenging. This operation hinges on logistical, expertise and execution. That is quite clear. All the more reason to steer clear of any problems on the HR side, because we really need to focus on execution..
SN: It requires actual magic.
FP: I understand that. And I imagine the magical spells, and or Sorcerous protocols are specified in the employee manual?
SN: Oh God.
FP: We try not to mention God around here. This is a multi-ethnic, inclusive workplace. We’re not sure if any of the elves are, for example, atheists.
SN: We all believe in the magic of Christmas.
FP: Believing in magic is all well and good, but do they have the ability to take off work for Diwali for example?
SN: I hadn’t thought of that.
FP: And that’s what we’re here for. To help the north pole corporation mitigate risk from employee concerns. Now, let’s start with the working conditions, and tell me a little bit about the work schedule that your 1400 elves follow. Are they hourly, salaried?
SN: They’re not actually paid money. I mean, I feed them. And they have a place to stay. But basically we’re all here to make the magic of Christmas happen.
FP: So, how about I just put down salaried?
SN: They do what I tell them to do
FP: So, to be clear, these are not independent contractors, and they do not have the ability to determine their own daily work schedule, so they would be classified as W-2 employees?
SN: You do know that day can be 23 hours long up here?
FP: we anre aware that the sunlight concerns can cause difficulty for employees with seasonal affective disorder or other mood disorders, and that reasonable accommodations will be made, yes. Do you have a complaint policy?
SN: Well, I do have a naughty and nice list.
FP: Is there a performance improvement list? The naughty list creates, I’m sorry to tell you, a significant amount of liability for the company, and we’d rather not have to manage that. The nice list, for that matter, also creates an expectation of promotion. So what we really need is a performance review process that isn’t quite as black and white.
SN: Originally, the naughty and nice list was for the children.
FP: All of these elves are above 18 years old?
SN: Let’s just say yes…
FP: That’s a good answer. Check. Have you heard of continuous performance review?
SN: We have one thing to perform. It’s making Christmas magical.
FP: Mr. Saint Nick. I’m not trying to be difficult. But I am trying to say that in a seasonal business like the one you run, we really do need to pay particular attention to policies and procedures, so that we can’t be accused of running an organization that doesn’t take employee satisfaction seriously. How are the health benefits allocated?
SN: Health benefits?
FP: Yes. Do you have a benefits plan for the elves?
SN: Elves are immortal creatures.
FP: It’s not so much the mortality I’m concerned with. I see you checked off the box that indicates that you do not have any life insurance policy, which is in keeping with immortal creatures. But I’m more concerned about disability, and making sure they have access to the appropriate counseling resources, given the stress of a seasonal business.
SN: Therapy?
FP: Actually, I’m referring to an elf assistance program. Therapy would have to be covered under the medical benefits. Which is a whole other consultation. We will get to that later.