The Prime Day Liturgy

From an imagined future in which we worship Jeff Bezos

Ladies and gentlemen, we gather together to bear witness, as we do every year, to the miracle that is Prime Day. Prime Day started as a one-day sale. But, similar to the excess supply of oil that has something to do with Hanukkah, one day of Prime Day became, through the divine will of Jeff Bezos, more than just a day.

You see, my children, prime day is not just one day. It is three days, in 2024. And, as was promised, in the future, if we continue our divine mission, every day will be Prime Day. The Prime Days—plural—are nigh. This has been foretold.

I know this sounds like a crazy dream. Remember, in the old days, when the best discounts on relatively crappy products from China, made in the likeness of products we previously would have wanted or enjoyed, would have been slightly more expensive most days of the year. Yet, with His beneficence, the prices of those goods were kept slightly lower than they might have been previously.

The miracles didn't end there. Soon, avocados that w…