President Richard III Announces Sweeping Reforms in Coronation Address

A bold policy agenda from one of Shakespeare's most loathsome villains

Lords and ladies, we are gathered here today to celebrate me. It's very, very cold out, some have called us the winter of our discontent. Those were our leading weathermen. I am gonna turn this kingdom around, and we're gonna make this glorious summer. They will not be any more clouds. Today, I will sign a royal decree for the purpose of relocating all the clouds into the bottom of the ocean. Yes, that's correct, under my administration, there will be no more clouds, because we will round them up, and buried will they be. It'll be sunshine every day, no more clouds, you'll see.

We're also gonna get rid of war. Have you seen the grim visage of war? We're gonna smooth its wrinkled front. We're gonna use Botox. Because we have that now, thanks to scientists. Instead of getting on frightful seeds— that's horses that are scary— there's gonna be capering nimbly. I'm very good at capering, and I'm very nimble. There will be no more war, and because of it, we're gonna get to spen…