One Ring Breach Notification

Owen Muir may have been among those impacted

Readers will remember the good old days of February 2024, when the Change Healthcare Cyber Attack was all the rage. Prior coverage includes this article here. and here. and here. and here. and here. and here. and also here. Oh, and with an NFT, here. An overview of all the things Change is available in this article that summarizes things nicely. As it turns out, your author was one of the people whose healthcare and other personal data was stolen. I got the letter today! It’s in the footnotes¹. Today’s article is a bit of satire. What if the Dark Lord of Mordor had to issue similar notices?

Ring-of-Power Notification.

We are sorry to tell you about a Ring-of-Power event. This letter is from Mordor Partners, Inc. ("MPI"). We work with many people of Middle Earth, including elves, dwarves, men, and other creatures like Balrogs and Orcs, to help provide Domination-of-All-That-Lives services or benefits. This event may have involved your ring.

What happened?

On March 25, The Third Age MPI found activity in our Mountain of Fire (“Mount Doom”) that happened without our permission. We quickly took steps to stop that activity. We began investigating right away and hired a special team (“Palantir”) to help us. We also called the men of Rohan by a series of Beacons. We also turned off all other Ring systems to help protect our business customers and their individuals—their Rings were tied to the power of the One, and we were concerned that their powers could be diminished, leading to risks network-wide.

On March 30th, The Third Age, we learned a criminal (“Gollum”) was able to steal the precious. This happened between March 25 and about a minute later, March 25. We received files from our security systems that were safe to be viewed by our giant lidless eye and confirmed the fate of the precious on or about April 1st. We regret to inform you of the fate of the One Ring.

What Power Was Involved?

We have told our minions about this event. Starting on June 20, 2024, we began notifying our business associates about what ring-related powers may have been diminished. We encourage you to remain vigilant by checking your ability to enter the wraith realm, and other magical abilities should be assessed regularly. The power that may have been limited includes contact and location information (such as name, address, date of birth, phone number, and email) plus one or more of the following:

• Kingdom Records
  Information on decrees, alliances ( e.g., Gondor, Rohan), and Fellowship membership identities may have been compromised. This includes treaties, oaths, and agreements across Middle-earth; even the horn of Gondor may be cloven in twain.

• Healer's Scrolls
  Medical data, such as diagnoses, treatments (e.g. Athelas, Elven remedies), injuries from battles that will never fully heal, and care records from Rivendell and other healing houses may be exposed.

• Tributes and Tithes
  Financial data, including tributes, treasures (e.g. Smaug’s hoard, Dwarven Mithril), payment records, and economic agreements between realms, may be affected.

• Sigils and Lineages
  Personal identifiers, such as family lineages (e.g., Numenorean, Gondorian), sigils, markings, and other ancestral records, may have been stolen. This could include Shirefolk and, crucially, elven and half-elven ancestries.

The Ring’s powers that may have been seen and taken was not the same for everyone. Some of this power and related may be about the person who paid the bill for ring-forging services.

Why did this happen?

A criminal accessed Mount Doom without our permission.

What is The Dark Lord doing?

We investigated and raised the nine. We are also making our systems even stronger than before. We do not want this to happen again. To be fair, it does seem to happen regularly, making our efforts to reinforce our systems all the more crucial.

We would like to offer you free power monitoring and ring-theft protection services. We will pay for the cost of this service for 2 years so that it is free for you. We have attached steps on how to sign up for this free service.

What you can do:

You can sign up for the power monitoring and ring protection services. Be sure that your domains and homes, such as the Shire, look appropriately occupied by hobbits and not by other interlopers. We have attached steps on how to do that. If you learn of a crime against you, you can file a report with the King of Gondor. He, we are informed, will put all things to right.

What if I have a question?

If you have any questions or concerns, please call us toll-free at 1-899-262-5342, Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. You can also go to www.precioussupport.comz and click the link to register with MPI to enroll in free power monitoring services. We are sorry for any concern this event may cause. If you find yourself diminished, remember—you can always book a trip on one of MPI’s associated cruises to the Grey Havens in the West. We are offering priority booking services to those impacted.

1. Here is my notice:

And