May The Fourth...Raise Serious Compliance Concerns With Lord Vader
Karen from HR has Serious Questions
In celebration of May 4, and imagine conversation between a Sith Lord.
Karen: Lord Vader, It is a pleasure.
DV: My presence is at the pleasure of the emperor.
K: We have some serious issues to discuss, Mr. Vader.
DV: Lord.
Karen: My apologies, Lord. I hope you are looking forward to addressing these concerns as seriously as you take your lordship?
DV: I would be unwise for you to suspect otherwise.
K: There have been some compliance concerns with your behavior on the End Of Life Quality Assurance Sphere
DV: are you referring to the Death Star?
K: We have had a rebrand. The original project went so far over budget we brought in some experienced operators. The "death" brand… the board wanted some distance.
Dv: What?
K: The End Of Life Quality Assurance Sphere
DV: Insolence!
K: (cutting him off) And it is exactly that kind of outburst and associated decision making that we are here to discuss Lord Vader.
DV: (breath sounds)
K: Thank you for listening. First, have you submitted your signed copy of the employment handbook?
DV: The cybernetic robotics in my hand do not active the device. It has not been signed.
K: well that is an important accessibility issue right there ….for my to do list.
DV: (sits in silence as Karen’s right hand moves towards the e-signature, her left hand grabs it, and places it by her side firmly)
K: I'll put "pending signature".
DV: You will.
K: There have been some concerns related to your handling of the issue on …(checking)… Endor?
DV: With the Wookiee?
K: this is the kind of attitude that Ewok identified members of the empire community have understandable concerns about.
DV: What issues were raised...by the… indigenous community?
K: well for a start, the Forrest world of Endor has "endangered habitation" status.
DV: endangered?
K: it appears...(checking) no permits were filed prior to the installation of the shield generator?
DV: It was done on my command
K: And was logged in Asana? And a work order was placed in the system?
DV: It was executed on my command.
K: I'll put down "did not utilize asana". Had you done so the automated integration with zapier, the automated workflows would have filed the appropriate permits.
DV: It was as an...imperial priority.
K: Well, that may be the case, but as a professional organization...(gives up)
Ok, moving on. It says here you intentionally submitted inaccurate progress reports on the operational readiness of EOLQAS II?
Dv: ...
K: End of Life Star Quality Assurance II
DV: It was subterfuge.
K: You do realize we missed crucial deadlines for grant disbursement due to your... subterfuge?
DV: I did not.
K: So, in this complaint from an Admiral Akbar…his statement… “it’s a trap”…?
DV: Please clarify your intent with the use of the contraction “it’s”?
K: Oh, thank God, you have talked to Empire Legal. That should fly on deposition.
DV: I do not approve of contractions.
K: And it further states...clone contractors were used?
DV: Yes.
K: We I assume all appropriate licensing fees on those clones were paid to MyStormTrooper Inc?
DV ...
K: The storm trooper IP is a licensed product owned by...well, it says here ...does the name Lando Calrissian mean anything to you?
DV: He is a fool.
K: I'm going to put "vetted contractor."
DV ....
K: Are you are telling me we didn't pay the licensing fees on under-represented clones?
DV: ...
K: Lord Vader...may I call you Darth?
DV: Lord Vader.
K: Lord Vader. We are, frankly, concerned.
DV: We?
K: The board of Trustees has empowered me...
DV: The dark side...
K: Lord Vader…please. Do you never check your email?
DV ...
K: The force—and the associated dark side— is the intellectual property of the Jedi Academy. You may have killed all of the Jedi, but we are facing very serious litigation related to both the misappropriation of IP and the associated tax liabilities related to the lack of appropriate filings in a timely manner from the estates of several Jedi families.
DV...
K...I'm going to put "informed of compliance concerns."
Thank you lord Vader.
DV: we are done?
K: I have my break for lunch.