Magic Unicorn Therapist Referral, In Network Only

Only slightly satirical…

I am a mental health professional, so I have been on many list-serves. A lot of referrals are requested, and some of them are not likely to be filled. Those requests inspire the following piece of satire. We were promised matching platforms! So many companies have offered to match a patient with a therapist…and yet, the match proves elusive.

The images are just copying and pasting the text above into an AI image generator. I took the first thing it generated in all cases.

Monday:

“I have someone who reached out looking for in-person therapy.  The person would like to work on "nothing much."  The therapist must network with the Insurance Community Plan but be willing to submit bills while the client travels worldwide because of their digital nomad lifestyle. Vast Experience preferred and conducting sessions in-person (no virtual sessions).  In network ONLY”

Tuesday:

“A male client reached out looking for a male therapist with lived experience as a professional athlete. Must feel comfortable with fees paid with lottery tickets. DBT Trained, but not into as a modality.”

Wednesday:

“The client reached out looking for a therapist comfortable evaluating someone in crisis within the next 15 min. The patient is outside your door. In Network Only, but Insurance Expired Anyway. Declined to Apply for COBRA.”

Thursday:

“The insurance plan reached out looking for a therapist for a member. Excellent boundaries— but expect to be asked to waive co-pays and/or fees. The high deductible plan makes any care implausibly expensive for the year's first six months. Must be comfortable signing disability accommodations and emotional support animal documentation before an evaluation. Must be resigned to clawbacks when the above flexibility is audited. Please forward referrals to Insuranccares.”

Friday:

“Ex-wife of potential client reached out. Must be comfortable with a series of questions before intake appointment and being confronted about fees being too high. Agreement to exchange multiple emails before the initial visit, with the understanding that that visit will be abruptly canceled. Able to testify in court uncompensated preferred.”

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—Owen Scott Muir, M.D.