From Dark Lord to Healthcare Innovator: Mordor's Surprising New Initiative

PR weighs in.

A lot of healthcare public relations is pretty lackluster in my experience, and they seem incapable of imagining a world where physicians explain matters related to health in a way that is compelling. I imagine it was just as bad for fictional villains in middle earth. In honor of the DEA’s most recent update on controlled substance prescribing, which leaves a lot to be desired especially when it comes to particularly vulnerable patients like those suffering from opiate use disorder, I write the following piece of satire.

What follows is a transcript of a meeting between Wormtongue & Associates (W&A) and Sauron, Lord of the Rings, along with his executive leadership team. It is regarding the crisis comms strategy around the failure of his dark riders to find the One Ring. It begins with Maureen McLaughlin, their Account Manager for W&A:

W&A: “so, thanks for taking this meeting so promptly.”

Sauron: 🔥

W&A: “This is a tough time, we recognize that there are several serious risks for your exposure, and we want to minimize all of those.”

Sauron: 🔥🔥

W&A: “Are you familiar with the Streisand effect?”

Voice of Sauron: “His dark lordship sees all! I, however, think the rest of the Executive Leadership team might benefit from your explanation, so…continue.”

W&A: “the Streisand effect is the name for what happens when you try to suppress a negative news story. It can backfire. That's the bottom line. If we go too hard at this, our actions could become amplified among even friendly media.”

Voice of Sauron: “Go on…”

W&A: “We have it on good authority that Rolling Stone is writing a story. They have a muckraker—he covered Scott Weiland's death from opiate use disorder. Well, now he's doing a thing on the one ring. He found somebody who knows Bilbo.”

(Troubled silence from the Mordor Executives)

W&A: “At least we managed to obtain the introduction to the story that was submitted. And this is something we have to have a proactive response to…. I'm going to share with you the following:

“Bilbo Baggins. It's a name that is synonymous with adventure, a hobbit who embarked on an incredible journey and discovered hidden depths of courage and heroism. But for those who knew him well, the truth about Bilbo was far more complex than his hit autobiography, “There and Back Again,” let on.

In this exclusive report, Rolling Stone delves into the dark and complex world of Bilbo Baggins, exploring the causes and consequences of his addiction to the One Ring and its impact on Middle-earth.”

We can't sleep on this, as your giant lidless unsleeping eye can see.”

(whispering, shifting uncomfortably).

Voice of Sauron: “the Lord Sauron… is ready to hear your recommendations.”

W&A: “We have prepared a few recommendations:

We need to control the narrative. This is not negotiable. This means focusing on the positive and getting out ahead of this *%&#ing thing. Every innovation has adverse effects. Becoming a Ringwraith? That sounds like a rare side effect…

(pause).

“Sorry, I'm being told appropriate language is “rare possible adverse event discovered as part of routine post-marketing surveillance of safety and tolerability.”

“We are suggesting a proactive approach to focus on industry partnerships and to downplay the adverse effects by focusing on the positive.”

Voice of Sauron: “we expect there is a press release prepared?”

W&A: “We’ve done that already….”

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Mordor's One Ring Core Technologies Empowers Ring Bearers with Advanced AI Capabilities

MORDOR, Middle-earth - Mordor, the Middle-Earth leader in magic and technology, announced today the positive impact of its One Ring Core technologies (ORCs) on the other nations of Middle-earth, including Rohan, Gondor, and Rivendell. With its advanced artificial intelligence capabilities, the One Ring is a platform solution that empowers ring-bearers.

As part of this effort, Mordor has worked closely with Men and Elves, allowing enhanced magic-related activities while reducing the required amount of magic. In addition, with their advanced algorithms and predictive capabilities, the ORCs enable ring-bearers to focus on their unique go-to-market motion, all while reducing overhead.

"We are excited to offer the advanced capabilities of our ORCs to other nations in Middle-earth," said Sauron, CEO of Mordor. "Our ORCs help ring bearers to get more done—Now, with less magic. It’s an API-enabled solution that becomes an unbeatable edge for partners.”

In addition to working with the Kingdoms of Men and Leaders in the Elvish community, Mordor has collaborated with new Moria leadership, resulting in 25% quarter-over-quarter growth in mithril output from crucial rare earth mining centers. Reached for comment, the interim Maiar of Moria shared this recorded statement:

As part of this effort, Mordor has continuously improved and refined the ORCs through its partnership with Saruman, the White Wizard. Their strategic technology partnership has led to hybrid ORC and “Half-ORC”

“Theoden, King of Rohan, has been thrilled by our ORC-Enabled solutions. The market penetration is certain to be deep, even among traditional “late adopters” like Helm’s Deep staffers and other Key Opinion Leaders in the existential threat management ecosystem,” explained Saruman, the White Wizard. “It’s about key insights into our customers, and thanks to ORCs and our ongoing analytics partnership with Bay Area tech giant Palantir, we are moving the goalposts for human-ORC hybrid use cases across industries.

A spokesperson for Mordor noted concerns about the rare events in a tiny fraction of users as noted in post-marketing data sets, including wraith-like symptoms. “ORCs have been developed with safety measures to minimize adverse effects. In addition, by harnessing the power of AI, the technology can anticipate and mitigate the potential risks of prolonged exposure to the ring's power.”

For more information on Mordor and its One Ring Core technologies, please visit our website at www.mordor.com.

Contact:

Mordor PR pr@mordor.com +1-123-456-7890

“So, I don’t see any complaints?”

—Owen Scott Muir, M.D.

My call to action is: Please submit your comments regarding the updated DEA guidance. We can't be guided by fear of public relations firms when it comes to caring for the most vulnerable individuals suffering from opiate use disorders.