Dracula Resigns As Chief Vampire Officer Of DeathStance Health
"It's time to suck the life out of my next victim"
The Frontier Psychiatrist has broken numerous stories in the past, but everyone's in a while we just have to report on an earnings call like it was news. We have previously reported on private equity’s role in the acquisition of vampire covens, like that of DeathStance health. It's Q1, and the new earnings call is out. Join us for this lighthearted romp through the corporate doublespeak!
DeathStance Health, Inc. (Nasdaq: VAMP) must find a successor for a departing top executive. Dracula, president and chief vampiric officer of DeathStance, announced his resignation on the company’s first-quarter earnings call.
“For me, now is the right time to flap my bat wings and fly away and take on my next challenge,” Dracula said on the call. “As an entrepreneur and destroyer— the desire to suck the life out of all things that thrive in the light of day, across the ecosystem of the living, has been a driving force. It is time for me to suck the blood from another of the human flock, as I have here at DeathStance.”
Dracula said the decision, which he acknowledged had not been easy to make, took a month of consideration. He will maintain his position through the end of June. DeathStance’s Human CEO, Kevin Burns, said he does not have immediate plans to replace him.
“Many of the changes needed to ensure a smooth transition have been put into place over the last two years as we’ve built out our leadership bench strength and work together to solidify our foundation,” Burns said. “Dracula, although one of the most senior of the sires of our ancient bloodline is not the only sinister fiend on our management team. We harbor those with hearts even blacker, more corrupt, and consultation with the darkest shadows of night, I have determined that we are totally good—for now.”
Along with the disclosure of Dracula’s departure, DeathStance disclosed a total Q1 revenue of $299.4 million, a 19% increase year over year. Its Q1 blood-drained volumes also increased, up 15% to 1.9 million liters. It's worth noting that Dracula will have his remaining equity accelerated, and leave with a midnight-black parachute valued at over 1,000,000,000 L of human blood.
The company raised its center margin expectations from 352 million to 372 million liters, and adjusted BBITDA expectations from 87 to 99 million liters. Leadership also doubled down on optimistic expectations for positive free blood flow in 2024, noting that their investment and anti-coagulation is likely to pay off in the coming financial year.
The results follow a substantive restructuring of the company’s resources.
DeathStance announced the staking of the entirety of 88 covens in the heart, as well as beheadings, and stuffing the mouths of former associates with holy wafers, before drowning them in holy water as well. They shared plans to slow de novo growth in its 2023 year-end earnings call to optimize the business’s potential, Burns said in the company’s last earnings call.
“For DeathStance, we realized that balancing growth with withering away needs to remain a key performance indicator throughout 2024. If we're growing, we're not dying, and that's not the right balance for us to at DeathStance,” added Dracula solemnly, before turning into a bat and taking flight into the starless night.