Chapter 6: The Pitch to the Investor
Dorothy and The Founder Meet the Private Equity Investor
Welcome to chapter six of my ongoing re-write of the wizard or oz as a health-tech parody parable. This a a “diffusion” newsletter of The Frontier Psychiatrists.
In this chapter, Dorothy, who has new onset OCD and Psoriasis, along with the Founder of a Rheum/Psych startup, called inFlames, stuffed with seed capital but without any product-market fit, meet The PE investor. They are on their way to meet the specialist!
This is a silly project. But it is a fine way to relax. It's also paid content on my newsletter— because it is completely trivial. I enabled free access past the pay wall with a 7 day free trial just in case it is too tempting. Also, referrals for free subscriptions are turned on!
Read On!
When Dorothy awoke, the sun was shining through the trees, and Toto had long been out chasing birds around him and squirrels. She sat up and looked around her. The Founder, still standing impatiently in his corner, banging out emails on his phone to generate more traction, waiting for her.
"We must go and search for water," she told him.
"Why do you want water?" he asked.
"To wash my face. It has to be clean after the dust of the road, and I have to drink, so the dry bread will not stick in my throat."
"It must be inconvenient not to have that problem solved for you by a disruptive health technology innovator," said the Founder thoughtfully, "for you must sleep, eat and drink, all without the difficulties in those processes having been disrupted with platform solutions. However, you have a day job that pays a salary, and it is worth a lot of bother to be able just to be paid with cash money without second guessing how it’s going to impact your burn rate or equity stake."
They left the cottage and walked through the trees until they found a little spring of clear water, where Dorothy drank and bathed and ate her breakfast.
Dorothy was feeling a little bit of soreness, and her knees and the bottoms of her feet hurt. This is a lot more walking than she was used to. She was wondering if she might have plantar fasciitis or something. She was definitely fatigued. This really sucked. She wondered if she was going to be able to get orthotics that would fit inside her shoes. She heard those were good for arch support; set a quick Internet search revealed that they were generally reimbursed as durable medical equipment and required a visit to a podiatrist …like she didn't have enough doctors to see already!
They heard a whack. Whack. Whack. Just ahead.
What the hell?
One of the big trees, around which the Great Forest coworking space had been constructed, had been partly chopped through, and standing beside it, with an uplifted axe in his hands, was a man wearing an oxford shirt and Patagonia fleece vest, with a quarter zipper. He looked pretty fit. It was like he's gotten to take a lot of time off. You know, for himself. He still looked very stiff. He was holding a giant axe, awkwardly, like he didn't know how to relax.
Dorothy looked at him in amazement, and so did the Founder, but Toto bit the man on the leg.
He didn’t move at all, but he did make a little noise.
"Did you make a noise?" asked Dorothy.
"Yes," answered the fit man, "I did. I've been grinding it out on this deal for more than a year, and no one has ever heard me before or come to help me. Loose ends like this can kill a deal.”
"What can I do for you?" she inquired softly, for she was moved by the sad voice in which the man spoke.
"Get me a Flat White and let me caffeinate," he answered.
"I’m burned out so bad; I can barely fire anyone else. I’ve cut the fat on this balance sheet to the bone, but I’m just kinda wrecked and need a double espresso shot to get back on my A-game, or maybe an Oat Matcha Latte.”
Dorothy, feeling a little taken for granted but not wanting to upset this new person, ran to the nearest Starbucks and came back with a flat white.
"This is sweet," replied the Private Equity Investor. He looked at her and then looked down at the espresso drink.
“Did they put in this?”
“I think they might've,” answered Dorothy.
“Oh fuck, I don’t do artificial sweeteners. You can get me another coffee. It doesn't have to be an espresso drink; they'll screw that up again. Even a cold brew will do.”
Dorothy went to get a cold brew, but they were also out of that, so she got a Grande Red Eye, Hoping it would have enough caffeine to wake the Private Equity Investor out of his stupor.
The Private Equity Investor gave a sigh of satisfaction and lowered his axe, which he leaned against the tree.
"This is adds value," he said.
"I have been holding that axe in the air ever since I was brought into this deal, But there was so much blocking and tackling to do that I really didn't get a break. How many administrators do you need in one medical practice?” He continued.
“Wait a minute,” Asked the Founder, “I thought you were cutting down a tree?”
“Jesus, no. NO! That sounds like manual labor. This is for reducing headcount. Somebody else must've been working on the tree. I think we outsource that to a Portfolio company that rolled up a bunch of the area's ground care and tree health companies. The only thing I use my axe for is reducing headcount….Thank God you brought me a coffee. If you hadn't, I might've been just fine to sleep right here. Seriously bro, thank you.”