A Transcript of My Congressional Testimony for Appointment as Secretary of The Frontier Psychiatrists.

I answer some hard questions, under oath

The Frontier Psychiatrists is a daily-enough health-themed newsletter. It's also humor-adjacent, and there's a lot of satire here. Given the recent congressional hearings, which I've gotten spicy, I will rip off that format for an update about my newsletter. Join me for an imagined congressional hearing about whether the secretary of the Frontier Psychiatrists Newsletter was a job.

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Senator SmartyPants: thank you for joining us, Dr. Muir, and congratulations on your nomination. As you know, congressional oversight of appointments is part of our duty under the Constitution, and I'm gonna remind you that your answers to our questions are under oath. Can you please state your full name, including honorifics, for the congressional record?

Owen Muir: Owen Scott Muir, M.D., DFAACAP.

SSP: Thank you, Dr. Muir. Where did you complete your medical training?

OM: The University of Rochester, School of Medicine and Dentistry awarded my medical doctorate; I completed general psychiatry residency training at the Hofstra- Northwell School of Medicine General Psychiatry Residency program at The Donald and Barbara Zucker Hillside Hospital, and subsequently completed Child and Adolescent Psychiatry fellowship at the NYU school of medicine program.

SSP: And to remind you, you're under oath. Did you enjoy that training?

OM: Enjoy would be a strong word, senator.

SSP: do I need to remind you that you're being interviewed for the most important newsletter in the nation regarding humor, adjacent daily health-themed publications? Answer the Question, Dr. Muir.

OM: I enjoyed the challenge and educational opportunities presented to me.

SSP: answer the question, Dr. Muir.

OM: no.

SSP: This wasn't that hard, was it?

OM: no, senator.

SSP: I understand you've been writing a newsletter every day?

OM: that's correct.

SSP: however (looking at notes), some of your articles are written at the very last minute?

OM: that's correct, senator.

SSP: and some of them aren't very funny?

OM: can you please clarify the question?

SSP: I am asking a simple question, Dr. Muir.

OM: can you please define the words “some” and “very” as they relate to the word “funny”?

SSP: this is precisely the kind of evasive nonsense we're trying to avoid.

OM: was that a question, senator?

SSP: Dr. Muir, is your newsletter hilarious?

OM: Someone would say that it is “very funny.”

SSP: in your opinion, Dr. Muir, is your newsletter funny?

OM: I believe it has elements of humor.

SSP: Do I look like I'm laughing now?

OM: No, senator, you are not laughing.

SSP: moving on. Are you avoiding, at this very moment, writing an article about a research finding that the public might find useful?

OM: I believe this congressional hearing is quite important. Our nation takes seriously the role of newsletter editors.

SSP: “Mommy and Daddy, when I was in mommy's belly, did you imagine I would love Japan?”

OM: I am sorry?

SSP: That is a direct quote from your daughter, Quinn. You are under oath.

OM: This is getting a little weird, but no, when Quinn was in utero, at no time to be consider that she would love Japan. Do you have Siri on, and is it just transcribing whatever you said earlier?

SSP: Doctor, I'm asking the questions.

OM: Understood.

SSP: this morning, did you consider writing a serious article?

OM: I consider a range of articles every morning.

SSP: Dr, if you considered writing a serious article this morning, it's a yes or no question.

OM: This morning’s considerations included a serious article and an exploration of the data available for innovative treatments.

SSP: and why, the American people want to know, are you making us put up with this silly column instead? Are you just avoiding writing something serious?

OM: I must choose what kind of column will please my readers each day. Not all readers are interested in deep dives into the evidence. Some want a little bit of lighthearted satire to lighten up the day. Many of my readers enjoy content about the Lord of the Rings but dealing with modern compliance issues. Other readers enjoy—

SSP: This is the kind of stonewalling, misdirection, and lies we've come to expect from a satirist like yourself. Dr. Muir, are you avoiding the hard work of writing a deep dive into the data on psychedelics, brain stimulation, medical ethics, healthcare economics, or any of the other vital issues that you could be writing about today?

OM: At the Frontier Psychiatrists, we believe in a range of content, some of which is humorous, and other topics are deeply serious. It's only through bringing our audience a range of content that we make them willing to read challenging material about updates in regulatory—

SSP (furious): are you just avoiding writing a serious because you ran out of ideas?

OM: I just didn't have it in me today, sir. Yes, I was avoiding writing something serious; I'm sorry.

SSP: I bet you are—no more questions.