A beautifully written legacy for such a remarkable man who has already had such a huge impact on my thinking and my family. But I remain devastated that such a piece needed to be written. Sending prayers for peace your way, and to all who knew him in real life.
A fine send-off for Dr. Williams. I am sorry that my session yesterday, which you tried to cancel, interrupted its production. I would have left, but you generously gave me your time anyway when I showed up. You should know how valuable and consoling that time was to me. Thank you. I am in awe that you could do it. And may you and the Doctor's friends and family find such consolation for yourselves, and together.
One of our colleagues today told me there is an old adage that the best house painter in town has paint peeling off his own house. We healers tend to put the work of helping others ahead of our own for a variety of complicated reasons.
I both hate this observation and know that it is absolutely true. How do we do better?
One of my worst fears when I was a nurse in a hospital was to be a patient in that same hospital… It would feel humiliating. But what does this say about our own internalized stigma and shame? Cassandra is right… It has to stop. We have to do better.
Maybe you healers can stop that right now in Dr. Williams’ memory and in respect to the many more healers we have lost even in recent times. Let it stop here. Or rather, let the movement to seek care begin with each one of you, Baruch Hashem.
I read about SAINT in a lay press article one fortunate day in 2022. I knew immediately after reading that article that it was the treatment for me. The next day, I began calling Stanford trying to locate the elusive Dr. Nolan Williams. This proved to be tough but eventually I was able to talk to Ian Krueger (?) in THE lab. I told him that I wanted this treatment, but he told me that I was too old for the experimental group. Was there ANY other way I could get it, I asked. Well yes, came the answer, I could get it as a private patient via Dr. David Carrion at his private clinic.
I arranged to be in Palo Alto in May of 2022 which also marked the 15 years that I had suffered from a major depression that had not responded to anything, and believe you me, I had tried it all.
The price was $22,500 which I was able to charge to my Master Card. Medicare did not cover it as it was considered to be experimental even though it had been approved by the FDA.
My husband and I flew out to Palo Alto for 2 weeks of SAINT. 2 weeks was recommended because of the length and severity of my depression.
Dr. Carrion asked me what I thought had caused the depression. “Betrayal and treachery,” I said, willing to give the details, which didn’t really matter because betrayal and treachery had been a feature of all of my important relationships since birth.
By the first weekend, I felt improved but incredibly anxious which I medicated with white wine since Dr. Carrion couldn’t be reached. By the end of the 2nd week, I was cured. Really. Maybe I should use “in remission,” but no, it has thus far been proven to be a “cure” for 4 years now.
I was saddened, too, when I read of Dr. William’s suicide, though we had never met. I, too, wondered why he didn’t try or use the various methods available to treat suicidal depression. Or perhaps, like me, he had, but in the end, even SAINT didn’t work for him.
But somehow, I don’t think he did try everything. Why I feel this way boils down to the fact that I have known many physicians and physician-researchers over the years because I am a psychiatrist. And one thing a lot of these people have is hubris. Another thing they share is a history of personal or family depression which is what motivated them to do this work in the first place. They are terrified of ending up like the worst of their patients, perhaps confined to a “long term treatment unit” in a, God-forbid, state hospital.
I have faced those fears repeatedly in my life and powered through them, which makes me wonder why Dr. Williams couldn’t or wouldn’t do that.
As a psychiatrist, one can become the butt of muffled jokes or the side-eye if one admits to having mental illness. Even now a part of me wants to bluster that what I had wasn’t “mental illness” but “depression.” Everyone can relate to “having the blues.” Not everyone can relate to being “mentally ill.”
But I really wish I knew if Dr. Williams had tried SAINT. I don’t like to think of him as being one of those psychiatrists who didn’t do what needed to be done because he was embarrassed by what some people might think or say.
And if he had tried SAINT and it didn’t work, couldn’t he, with assistance, endure until something better came along, as it surely will? Couldn’t he have managed to endure until his young children were raised, as they will now grow up scarred by his death and more prone to becoming depressed themselves?
But most of all, why didn’t he have someone he could talk to—freely, honestly and completely? That kind of talk is not meant for a spouse or friend. That kind of talk would be too unsettling. That kind of talk should be reserved for one’s psychiatrist, who hopefully would be a skilled psychotherapist as well.
Why was he so alone that he took his own life in despair?
These words encourage my heart. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing them, so much.
What a gift to the world he was, Dr. Nolan Williams! What a profoundly significant life! What a magical, brilliant light in the world! His work was SO bold and so, so good. It is difficult to put into words.
We never met, and we never spoke, and he had no idea who I am. His work has had a profound impact upon my life. Those words on this page do not do the impact justice, but, it is all i can do....and I am forever grateful.
Thank you Dr. Williams 💔 and thank you Dr. Muir, for the beautiful, heart wrenching memorialization, and for highlighting some of the work that Dr. Williams did outside of SAINT (which I was much less familiar with). I will leave you with a Viktor Frankl quote that has held me in the darkest times:
Thank you for letting us dip into this journey of recognizing and envisioning change and the executing the vision imagined. Even those successful at it do not go unscathed. And it’s not getting easier. At all.
A beautifully written legacy for such a remarkable man who has already had such a huge impact on my thinking and my family. But I remain devastated that such a piece needed to be written. Sending prayers for peace your way, and to all who knew him in real life.
A fine send-off for Dr. Williams. I am sorry that my session yesterday, which you tried to cancel, interrupted its production. I would have left, but you generously gave me your time anyway when I showed up. You should know how valuable and consoling that time was to me. Thank you. I am in awe that you could do it. And may you and the Doctor's friends and family find such consolation for yourselves, and together.
I was worried I wouldn't be able to focus. It turns out I could, I'm so happy I was able to be there for you.
A terrible loss. Why do you think he did not or could not benefit from the treatment he pioneered?
It doesn't work if you don't get it.
What keeps doctors/kept him from getting it?
One of our colleagues today told me there is an old adage that the best house painter in town has paint peeling off his own house. We healers tend to put the work of helping others ahead of our own for a variety of complicated reasons.
I both hate this observation and know that it is absolutely true. How do we do better?
One of my worst fears when I was a nurse in a hospital was to be a patient in that same hospital… It would feel humiliating. But what does this say about our own internalized stigma and shame? Cassandra is right… It has to stop. We have to do better.
It says everything. Everything.
My Dad used to say “the cobbler’s children have no shoes.”
Maybe you healers can stop that right now in Dr. Williams’ memory and in respect to the many more healers we have lost even in recent times. Let it stop here. Or rather, let the movement to seek care begin with each one of you, Baruch Hashem.
Not lost on any of us. Thanks for the call to action
I read about SAINT in a lay press article one fortunate day in 2022. I knew immediately after reading that article that it was the treatment for me. The next day, I began calling Stanford trying to locate the elusive Dr. Nolan Williams. This proved to be tough but eventually I was able to talk to Ian Krueger (?) in THE lab. I told him that I wanted this treatment, but he told me that I was too old for the experimental group. Was there ANY other way I could get it, I asked. Well yes, came the answer, I could get it as a private patient via Dr. David Carrion at his private clinic.
I arranged to be in Palo Alto in May of 2022 which also marked the 15 years that I had suffered from a major depression that had not responded to anything, and believe you me, I had tried it all.
The price was $22,500 which I was able to charge to my Master Card. Medicare did not cover it as it was considered to be experimental even though it had been approved by the FDA.
My husband and I flew out to Palo Alto for 2 weeks of SAINT. 2 weeks was recommended because of the length and severity of my depression.
Dr. Carrion asked me what I thought had caused the depression. “Betrayal and treachery,” I said, willing to give the details, which didn’t really matter because betrayal and treachery had been a feature of all of my important relationships since birth.
By the first weekend, I felt improved but incredibly anxious which I medicated with white wine since Dr. Carrion couldn’t be reached. By the end of the 2nd week, I was cured. Really. Maybe I should use “in remission,” but no, it has thus far been proven to be a “cure” for 4 years now.
I was saddened, too, when I read of Dr. William’s suicide, though we had never met. I, too, wondered why he didn’t try or use the various methods available to treat suicidal depression. Or perhaps, like me, he had, but in the end, even SAINT didn’t work for him.
But somehow, I don’t think he did try everything. Why I feel this way boils down to the fact that I have known many physicians and physician-researchers over the years because I am a psychiatrist. And one thing a lot of these people have is hubris. Another thing they share is a history of personal or family depression which is what motivated them to do this work in the first place. They are terrified of ending up like the worst of their patients, perhaps confined to a “long term treatment unit” in a, God-forbid, state hospital.
I have faced those fears repeatedly in my life and powered through them, which makes me wonder why Dr. Williams couldn’t or wouldn’t do that.
As a psychiatrist, one can become the butt of muffled jokes or the side-eye if one admits to having mental illness. Even now a part of me wants to bluster that what I had wasn’t “mental illness” but “depression.” Everyone can relate to “having the blues.” Not everyone can relate to being “mentally ill.”
But I really wish I knew if Dr. Williams had tried SAINT. I don’t like to think of him as being one of those psychiatrists who didn’t do what needed to be done because he was embarrassed by what some people might think or say.
And if he had tried SAINT and it didn’t work, couldn’t he, with assistance, endure until something better came along, as it surely will? Couldn’t he have managed to endure until his young children were raised, as they will now grow up scarred by his death and more prone to becoming depressed themselves?
But most of all, why didn’t he have someone he could talk to—freely, honestly and completely? That kind of talk is not meant for a spouse or friend. That kind of talk would be too unsettling. That kind of talk should be reserved for one’s psychiatrist, who hopefully would be a skilled psychotherapist as well.
Why was he so alone that he took his own life in despair?
It is so very sad.
Nolan didn't get Saint. This I know. I'm glad Saint worked so well for you!
Each persons story is more dense than we can imagine
These words encourage my heart. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing them, so much.
What a gift to the world he was, Dr. Nolan Williams! What a profoundly significant life! What a magical, brilliant light in the world! His work was SO bold and so, so good. It is difficult to put into words.
We never met, and we never spoke, and he had no idea who I am. His work has had a profound impact upon my life. Those words on this page do not do the impact justice, but, it is all i can do....and I am forever grateful.
Thank you Dr. Williams 💔 and thank you Dr. Muir, for the beautiful, heart wrenching memorialization, and for highlighting some of the work that Dr. Williams did outside of SAINT (which I was much less familiar with). I will leave you with a Viktor Frankl quote that has held me in the darkest times:
“What is to give light, must endure the burning.”
Thank you, when in doubt, Frankl
Thank you for letting us dip into this journey of recognizing and envisioning change and the executing the vision imagined. Even those successful at it do not go unscathed. And it’s not getting easier. At all.
Thank you, Dr. Nolan. 💔
Beautiful, Owen. 💗🙏💗
In the shadow of beauty, perhaps
Yes. That would be it. 🙏
Just to say thank you for this; I feel enlarged in some way after reading it.
Nolan would've wanted nothing less