Optum Announces Strategic Baby Shark Program
The triumph of nature is terrifying and strategic.
I remember the first time I went swimming in the ocean and thought that I saw a shark. I was eight years old. It was blue lagoon in the Caribbean. The fin of a fast-moving fish made my heart jump into my throat. It wasn't a shark. It was a tarpin. The ocean is full of some very large creatures. In our day-to-day lives on land, it's rare that we encounter something that makes us feel so small. Sharks have few analogues on land. Or do they?
Today, I was shocked to learn that UnitedHealthcare was not content with acquiring all of the healthcare information technology in Change Healthcare. Or with being the employer of the most physicians in the country, with 70,000+ physicians in its Optum subdivision. It has made a startling new acquisition. This time, it's terrifying in an immediate and obvious way. What was not obvious? When a public company is at the scale of UnitedHealthcare, they didn't have to announce this strategic acquisition. Since their acquisitions are not relevant in terms of size or scale, the public company doesn't have to make any public disclosures at all, if they are not of “material relevance.”
Optum has moved into the Shark Tank…and then decided the “tank” was not economically viable:
Sharks have existed in New York's marine waters for millions of years. They are apex predators, which means they are at the top of the food chain and have few natural predators.
Sharks remove sick and weak individuals from prey populations, they influence prey distribution and behavior, and prevent other species from monopolizing limited resources and degrading the marine environment. The presence of sharks is a positive sign of a healthy marine ecosystem.
Optum was not content with being figurative sharks in the healthcare marketplace. It moved into literal sharking…sharkery…jaw-perations?:
Dr. Tobey Curtis who is a shark scientist with the NOAA said that the 100-feet deep nursery that the team studied over a period of 2 weeks likely produced hundreds of great white sharks every year. The team of scientists carried out this expedition last year.
The crazy thing about this rather obvious move from Optum? It’s not required to disclose it. UnitedHealth Group is so big that even the largest shark nursery for great whites in the world? It doesn't merit a mention in any of their public filings! To explain, I turn to the remarkable
:The bigger a company gets, the less it has to disclose about the acquisitions it makes in any easily obtainable way. That’s because publicly-traded companies are only required to immediately inform investors of individual deals that are “material to earnings.”
A material amount, as Investopedia explains, “can signify any sum or figure worth mentioning, as in account balances, financial statements, shareholder reports, or conference calls. If something is not a material amount, it is considered too insignificant or trivial to mention.”
Look, this whole thing might be satirical. You might not believe me that UnitedHealthcare has acquired the largest Great White Shark nursery in the world, which happens to be off the coast of New York City’s Rockaway Beach. That seems pretty far-fetched. However, this isn't the first time United and its Optum Subdivision would have exploited a crisis. As reported in the American Prospect, Optum used the Change Cyberattack to circumvent the traditional oversight of Mergers and Acquisitions in healthcare:
The situation underscores the perverse state of affairs in which UnitedHealth, which comprises some 2,642 separate companies that collectively raked in $371.6 billion last year, has arguably profited from the desperation that the hacking of its Change computer systems in late February has inflicted upon the health care system. An estimated half of all health care transactions are processed or somehow otherwise touched by Change, a rollup of dozens of health care technology firms that provide 137 software applications that have been affected by the outage.
This piece originally was going to be some lighthearted satire. But honestly, shark attacks, while terrifying, kill very few people. Even with an increasing rate of shark attacks, while utterly terrifying, they can’t harm you if you don't go in the water off Rockaway Beach. Private equity acquisitions of hospitals, on the other hand, including the Apex predator of Healthcare—yes, that's UHC—lead to many, many more adverse events (now quoting this newsletter, previously):
Patient Outcomes Associated With Private Equity Acquisition
Top-line findings in a recent JAMA paper include:
Findings In a difference-in-differences examination of 662 095 hospitalizations at 51 private equity–acquired hospitals and 4 160 720 hospitalizations at 259 matched control hospitals using 100% Medicare Part A claims data, private equity acquisition was associated with a 25.4% increase in hospital-acquired conditions, which was driven by falls and central line-associated bloodstream infections.
When it comes to falls specifically, a JCO sentinel event, they found that this increase in hospital-acquired conditions was driven by a 27.3% increase in falls (P = .02).
It may be time we got it in our bones: big health is bad for our health. And unlike sharks, United Healthcare doesn't have to disclose the Fin above the water associated with its business. A new Apex predator is in town. It doesn't care if you're in the water. And it sure as F- isn’t going to disclose it.
DUM DUM.
DUM DUM.
DUM DUM.
I can't breathe!! I can't stand it!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 What a spectacular way to describe United Healthcare!!!! 💯😂🤣🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣🤣🤣😂