My Life As Reimagined In an Apple WWDC Keynote
A flight of fancy, with inexplicable licensing deals for good measure.
Authors Note: all of the photographs were taken with an iPhone 15 Pro Max. Garfield appears courtesy of whoever the hell signed the licensing deal to bring Garfield to my phone.
It's good to get up with the dawn. I was thrilled to open my eyes, I have sun shine on my face, it took a moment, and then I open my mouth for the first time.
“Hey Siri,” are the first words out of my mouth.
“Good morning, Owen.”
“How was my sleep last night, Siri?”
“You are funny! And handsome, did I mention that? Your sleep was deeply rejuvenative, with an apple sleep score of 59. That's 10 points better than last month. You're getting better at getting restful sleep.”
That's good to know. I realized today is endurance training hike day. When I say the word “realize?” What I mean is a reminder popped up on my iPhone, turn on its side, in a special mode, that syncs with everything else in my life to let me know what I'm going to do for endurance exercise. That happens only on days the sun is shining, which is every day.
“Siri, book a flight with all my friends to Tunisia after my endurance exercise routine concludes today.”
“I'm sorry, I can't help with that.”
“wait, what?”
“(Swirling symbol)”
OK, fine, whatever, there's larger ecosystem. I walk to my shower, and run my fingers through my still thick and robust head of hair.
God, I am handsome. But I'm also very concerned with privacy. Granted, this doesn't make a lot of sense given the pictures of my life indicate that all I do is take wonderful vacations with my adorable family, and have completely wholesome conversations, but it's still important to be deeply concerned with your privacy, because who the f- knows? Microsoft is out there.
I pick up my phone to browse through some memories. They're all my friends, none of whom have died from overdose, or suicide. Everybody still alive, and they just texted me. I react with a custom emoji.
They are deeply grateful. My memories are all pleasant. The photos of them that are surfaced? Similarly pleasant. It's nice to know that given the number of senior executives at Apple who are currently pregnant, but have chosen not to take maternity leave, which I'm sure they have plenty of, the world is a better place for both my children, and the brood of children who are soon going to be born of executives at Apple.
I use an app to order food to be delivered to me that I feel good about. I feel good about everything. My Apple Watch let me know that my feelings increase my pulse oxygenation above 99%. Goddamnit. It feels amazing to be alive. I make note of this in my health app, which syncs to health kit, which sends my data only to the large scale epidemiological studies I've chosen to enroll in. Doubtless, we are all safer because of it.
Does anyone want to go to the beach? I made a song about the experience using Logic Pro. It had session musicians—created using AI running on Apple Sillicon— to understand what my musical intentions were. Then, better than I at music, they just created a good song instead—in my unmistakable style. Here's my most recent album cover photograph. I’m doing a series inspired by beaches used to name Apple Operating Systems.
If you listen to it on Spotify, Apple's getting 30% of that anyway. Because f1 you. F- you, you f-int, f-ing…Swedes? I think they're Swedish. It doesn't matter. We have to comply with GDPR even if they're from Norway. Netherlands? Who can keep that straight? Maybe I'll ask for a photograph from my memories. I'm so creative! And there is my endurance hike reminder! But is my hike in Muir Woods or Big Sur? Either way, the soundtrack from Apple Music will make sure that my heart rate stays in an optimal zone.
There it is. On my map. I didn't even have to say it. It just knew what I was thinking. I have a wholesome life, with wonderful memories, absent loss or fear. It's like a dropped a pin in the most ideal version of the future—and it’s all here, in my series of Apple Ecosystem devices.
When I die? I want to wake up here. I want this life to be the life that I live on Groundhog Day. If there is a heaven? It is this. Despite all these notifications, I'm centered, here, in this moment, and no one can piss all over my stillness. Not even those f- heads at Microsoft.
I switch over to my Vision Pro, which re-creates my iPhone in 3-D in front of my face, without even having it in hands. I'm never missing a notification. Not now, not ever. I know that when I die, no one will even know, because everyone only sees me through my awesome avatar here in Virtual space, and it's creating models of me, models that will live along after I'm dead, and nobody will have to mourn or grief in this place, because I am as I have always been and will always be, handsome, with thick hair, alive, wholesome, with all my privacy and secrets intact, none of which are worth keeping, cause I've never negative or wrong. And I never will. By the way, we built APIs for all these things.
Microsoft. You can f-ing die. Because I'm gonna live forever, in an Apple Private Cloud, and there's nothing you can do about it. Because it will be private.
I am a Golden God, nothing can stop me, and thanks to a series of licensing deals at once inexplicable and delightful, as I lay my head down to sleep, inexplicably, Snoopy is here. He’s here to wish me good night. My sleep my sleep score will inevitably improve. Because nothing is wrong here, in this place, with, for some reason, Snoopy and the Peanuts Gang.