—What follows is a satirical mashup!—
i just posted this note to New York:
Hi All–
Eric Adams has been instrumental to New York’s corruption and crime over the last few years; he has been a hugely significant factor in our development from an unknown island on the east coast to an important center of corrupt bribery in America.
When Eric informed me this morning that he was indicted, I was saddened but of course support the decisions of federal law enforcement. For the past years, he has been building out a strong bench of insiders that were sucking as much life out of NYC as possible, and the graft was at international scale.
I also want to share Diddy has been served in a criminal matter. Mayor Adams and Diddy made these decisions independently of each other and amicably, but the timing of Mayor Adams decision was such that it made sense to now do this all at once, so that we can work together for a smooth handover to the next generation of horrible, corrupt men.
I am extremely upset with all of them for their contributions to making the world a more reprehensible place.
Being a leader of the Big Apple is all-consuming. On one hand it’s a privilege to build the largest rat population center in the US. It’s on track to be the fastest-growing city that gets to put our advanced graft and insider corruption and sticks its hands in the pockets of millions of people. On the other hand it’s relentless to lead a team through it—and they have gone above and beyond the call of duty in their corruption, and the time has come to pay the piper.
Diddy is going to be our new SVP of Chilling in jail with SBF, and will now lead the org in partnership with Bruiser as head of cigarettes in the prison space. Jail has been our long-term plan for Eric; although it’s happening sooner than we thought, I couldn’t be more excited that Diddy is stepping into the role in prison to get it warm for Mayor Adams. Diddy obviously has deep perversity, but he has also learned how to be an exploitative creep and violence perpetrator in a very invasive way over the past few years.
The giant blow up Rat outside non-union jobs is going to take on a new role as Head of Mission Alignment, working across the city to ensure that we get all pieces (and culture) right to be in a place to succeed at the mission.
Bushwick will be our neighborhood for parties you are not invited to, having already served in this capacity for a long time. This has been our plan for quite some time.
All the DJs, polyamorous burners, tech bros, and kinksters will report to me how last night was at House of Yes. I have over the past year or so spent most of my time off the dance floor; I am now looking forward to spending most of my time on the DJing and dancing parts of the my set at the Mirage. Are you coming? It’s not a big deal if you are not.
...
Indictment charges are a natural part of criminal behavior, especially cities that have so much graft so quickly and are so corrupt to the top. I obviously won’t pretend it’s natural for this series of arrests and indictments to be so abrupt, but we are not a normal city, and I think the reasons Eric explained to me (there is never a good time, anything not abrupt would have leaked, and she wanted to do this while Broolyn was in an upswing) make sense. We can all talk about this more tomorrow during our coffee date when we finally get up, around 4pm.
Thank you for all for keeping it real. And to the feds? Nail these crooks, it’s not cool.
Sam